SEPTAUGENARIANS wearing vibrating nipple clamps and super-skimpy knickers is probably not what 50 Shades of Grey author E L James envisaged when she wrote her best-selling series.

News that the books and films are girding the loins of pensioners in Blackburn conjures up all sorts of images.

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Christian Grey and Ana Steele it ain’t. In fact it’s about as erotic as pudding and chips. But this is what happens when you unleash a bondage film on the masses. As more than one person has said, 50 Shades is more M&S than S&M.

And Blackburn’s lingerie and sex toys store Ann Summers is in agreement.

Despite sales rocketing – traffic to the company website increased by 45 per cent within an hour of the film trailer going live – the company believes that 50 Shades is 50 years late. It’s been there, done the up and under and worn the nipple tassel to prove it.

And to underline that point it conducted a nationwide survey of over 3,000 people, which concluded the portrayal of the sexually inexperienced and submissive female protagonist, Ana Steele, is an outdated and unrealistic representation of the modern, sexually confident woman in the UK.

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Apparently, 85 per cent of women related more to the film’s dominant male lover Christian Grey, than the submissive female. What’s more, 55 per cent of men agreed – with some disappointment no doubt – that she wasn’t typical of modern women.

Further in-depth probing revealed that 61 per cent of women are now dominant in the bedroom – that figure rises among 18 to 24-year-olds to 80 per cent.

No wonder women have fallen for Christian Grey – he’s a stark contrast to our quivering menfolk who are being bullied between the sheets.

But despite opinions, on the day of the film’s release 500 pairs of handcuffs were sold and diamante crop sales rose by 80 per cent.

So has sadomasochism been introduced into every Blackburn household and possibly even a few in Clitheroe? Could it take over from Corrie watching?

Ann Summers store manager Victoria Strahan says: “In the past people were quite shy about bondage. Bondage has always been around but it was a naughty little secret. I think 50 Shades has encouraged more people to have a go. It’s no longer a taboo subject.”

I muse that if everyone’s “having a go,” it will become mainstream and therefore boring.

Of the items on sale I was particularly intrigued by one device. I mean, how do you tie your partner to the bed if you haven’t got one of those metal frames? The Under Bed Restraint, that’s how. It’s a contraption that fits under the mattress so you don’t need a headboard. Although by the time you’ve lifted the heavy mattress to put it in place the urge has probably worn off. It’s all a bit of an effort really, isn’t it?

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So who exactly is buying this stuff? Well, a few young pretenders have tried. Victoria has had to ID one or two because you have to be 18 to buy a sex toy. I would imagine, it’s a bit more embarrassing having to return a huge phallus to its shelf than being relieved of a six pack of beer. But what would I know?

At the other end of the age scale are those aforementioned sexy septuagenarians who, apparently, like to buy “playwear” – nurses outfits, French maids, stockings, crotch-less knickers – and that’s just the blokes, well some are, apparently.

“Some of our older clients don’t look their age and obviously have active sex lives, “ says Victoria. “Some men like to wear women’s clothes under their own and that’s fine too. I’ll always give advice. People often confide in us and you have to be open and respectful at all times. I love my job and it’s a fun place to work.”

If you’ve not seen the film yet, give it a whirl. If a septuagenarian in stilettos comes to sit next to you, you’re in for the night of your life.