Pulp fiction

RADIO Scotland serial Lynton Bay last week recorded its big finale for future broadcast. The climactic episode features recently-introduced characters played by three seasoned actors: Paul Young, Isabella Jarrett and John Shedden. Waiting in the studio, the trio was surprised by the TV soap opera-style secrecy surrounding their scripts. Having handed them out, Lynton Bay's director told the threesome that immediately after they'd been read, the scripts had to be returned. When the actors complied, the director secured the scripts in a special box, leading one vintage thespian to ask wryly if they were recording an edition of EastEnders, with tabloid snoopers lurking. ''No,'' came BBC Scotland's official reply, ''it's just that we have to recycle the paper.''

Beat that

READER Peter McCulloch recently enjoyed a family break at the child-friendly Hilton Hotel in Coylumbridge. Peter's two offspring were impressed by the entertainment laid on for them, especially the hotel's early-evening range of activities. Peter himself was less sure, however, about the sign that went up in the corridor inviting his young 'uns to take part in the kiddies' disco. It simply read: ''Roger the DJ between

5.30 and 6.30.''

Valuable reputation

LEGAL legend Joe Beltrami unexpectedly found himself defending an extra client in Edinburgh's High Court on Friday. Joe's official task concerned a chap charged with an armed robbery at an Aberdeen building society. The Crown alleged he was spotted by police as he fled, jettisoning the cash in the ensuing chase. Remarkably, every note was subsequently recovered from the Granite City's streets bar one - a tenner. Feeling a sudden need to defend Aberdeen's citizenry against familiar accusations of fiscal malpractice, Joe told Lady Paton that ''the missing note had clearly gone with the wind''.

l Congregating for their elevenses, staff at a Glasgow city-centre firm last week noticed the office junior poring intently for some minutes over an item in a broadsheet newspaper. The youth had been stumped by one particular word, his puzzlement eventually leading him to ask: ''What's a minion?'' To a man, his associates replied: ''You are.''

Far from jazzy

NEXT week, actor Bill Paterson is the sole subject of a special edition of Radio Scotland's nightly Arts Show. Bill unburdened himself about his life and times to presenter Clare English, at one point airily recalling his youthful devotion to jazz. Bill seemed somewhat dismissive of his adolescent self for having affected the archetypal jazz-fan's uniform. Lamented Bill: ''Ah, yes, we all go through a period of wearing polo necks, shades and goatee beards.'' Clare looked Bill up and down, gently reminding him it was a sartorial phase in which, 30-odd years later, he still seems stuck.

Holy smoke

A visitor to last week's General Assembly of the Church of Scotland in Edinburgh spotted a singular social event on the gathering's written agenda, a special lunch for the marital partners of the organisation's ex-leaders. A clerical passer-by noted his interest, whispering: ''Wait till they turn it into a glitzy bonkbusting TV drama - Former Moderators' Wives.''

Leaf out their book

LIVING in the disputed borderlands between North Kelvinside and Maryhill, Claire-Anne Christie much admires the pioneering work of the folk in Wilton Street, who recently tidied up their neglected communal gardens. The project was kick-started by BBC Scotland's Beechgrove Garden programme, thereafter being maintained in

tip-top health by green-fingered local residents who've formed the Wilton Island Association. Claire-Anne fears the organisation's latest open-air initiative might infringe a copyright established by Maryhill's more feckless youth. The WIA's flyers read: ''Join us for a weed'n'wine session.''

Grave mistake

WISDOMS of the elders, part 1. When Charlie Allan's children were younger, their granny was once in the family home in High Blantyre when they arrived back from school. She asked what they'd learned that day. On being told that Charlie's daughter, Yvonne, had had a lesson on symmetry, Granny tut-tutted, offering the scandalised statement: ''That's terrible teaching weans about that . . . they'll find out when they're older about burying people.''

WISDOMS of the elders, part 2. Rab Lockhart once had a senior workmate, Hughie Wylie, a native of Rutherglen, who offered earnest comment on Rab's return to work after his first brief spell of paternity leave, attending the birth of his son, Stewart. Recalls Rab: ''Shaking his head, Hughie said 'It wis a' different when ah wis a young man - the midwives widnae allow ye intae the conception'.''