APPLYING for a new photo-card licence, or passport, is one of the most mind-numbingly pointless exercises ever invented.

Filling in the form is not the big issue…it is that nonsense process of proving that you are who you are. I must first find a photo booth to take a mug shot of myself, and then find some poor guy to sign the back of the picture. This must be the most demeaning thing ever invented.

To find someone who is not related to you but, at the same time, will be able to identify you.

I went through this whole process and then realised we had forgotten to put the other fellow’s passport number on there. He didn’t have his passport on him, so he had to go home and root through his luggage.

In the event of them ever finding out I am an illegal immigrant, they can hunt this other illegal immigrant down who lied on the form.

And why am I having to find ‘some professional type’. You mean like a banker, or a lawyer?

Seventy-two pounds and fifty pence will ensure you have an up-to- date passport. Yes, £72.50!

And you must do this every ten years. Most of don’t even leave the town for ten years.

One must pay a further £20 to get a photo-licence to drive a car which is already registered at your home address.

While I realise this is all about making sure everyone is who they say they are, deep down we all know this is a money-making scam.

There was a penny off a pint of beer in the budget this week.

But it wasn’t all good news.

When the Chancellor of the Exchequer says ‘it could be a lot worse’, you know the excuses have run out.

I have used that term several times on a football pitch. Normally, it means we played rubbish, but luckily the opposition was as bad as we were, so we kind of got away with it.

Football: The solution, and cause, of all of life’s problems.